I’ve been keeping things from you….

 

For years now, I have openly shared my personal journey with you. Sharing my most current insights pretty much in real time. As of late, I’ve been holding back and keeping things from you though. 

 

You see, for the last year and a half I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful man. The fact that someone else was now intimately involved in many of my personal insights   made it more challenging for me to share my experiences with you.

 

It felt like my insights weren’t mine to share because I wasn’t the only one involved.  I conveniently made up that because he is a much more private person than I that out of respect for him I couldn’t share with you the way that I was used to.

 

After all, when I was on my own there was no need to be concerned with respecting someone else’s privacy. No need to worry about what some one else might think. No pressure to make sure my significant other knew what was going on with me before I shared it with you.

 

I’ve been walking a tight rope of what to share and what not to share.

 

Just because he is wonderful (which he is!) and just because our relationship is the most conscious spiritually evolved example of mature intimacy I have ever experienced (in part because I am the most conscious spiritually evolved version of myself that I’ve ever been!) doesn’t mean that stuff doesn’t come up. Quite the opposite!

 

It is specifically because our relationship is all of that, that all my “stuff” can come up! Of course, his stuff comes up too….. Then it bumps up against my stuff which then bumps back. Usually, this is the point where most relationships start to unravel.

 

When we first began contemplating being in relationship with one another, we spent a good three weeks discussing what we wanted out of our potential relationship. We had to. We lived 1100 miles apart and we couldn’t simply fall into a relationship out of geographical convenience, we had to create our relationship intentionally.

 

Out of those discussions, being a catalyst for healing became one of the primary intentions for our relationship. For me, even considering entering into an actual relationship again after close to eight years was a healing in and of itself!

 

With that kind of intention, insights are bound to follow, right?

 

About six months ago, I shared with him that I was feeling incongruent about not sharing more of our journey openly with my greater community. At that time his response was “You have to be authentic. Do whatever you need to do.” (See! I told you he was amazing!)

 

But the thing is, I still wasn’t sharing….. so, I obviously couldn’t blame it on respecting his privacy any more. After all, he gave me carte blanche to share, right? So, what was really holding me back?

 

One of the things I haven’t opening shared is that I have spent most the majority of the last nine months in California near where he lives. Due to various circumstances, I am primarily back in Colorado for the time being. So, as you can imagine that has brought up a whole bundle of new opportunities for learning, growth and healing.

 

This morning, I realized that I was never keeping things from you out of respect for him (well at least not solely)…..in truth it is because I have been down right afraid to let you in on this part of my journey.

 

What is it I was  so afraid of?

1.That you would find out that I don’t have any idea what I am doing when it comes to this area of my life. With two “failed” marriages, romantic relationships have been my area of biggest failure – which I have been open about! – and the source of my deepest shame. But of course, I don’t know what I’m doing! I’ve never done “this” before – especially not this way. And in reality, there was once a time that I didn’t know any of the things I confidently know today. Why should this be any different?

2. I don’t want you to start looking to me for relationship advice or necessarily want to become your guide in this area except for your relationship with yourself which is of course the foundation of any other kind of successful relationship. Now that, I am an expert on! It is only because of the time and care that I took (eight long years!) in getting to know the true me that I was even willing to consider a relationship much less being ready for this amazing man. It’s all because of the relationship that I have created with myself.

And here comes the big one……

3.What if it doesn’t work out?!?!? As if it not “working out” would negate all of the amazing growth I, we, have experienced. As if what I have learned about myself, relationships in general, not to mention what I’ve learned about my own Divine Coordinates® and how two people’s Divine Coordinates interact with one another would suddenly disappear up in smoke and be invalidated if we were to part ways. Silly me!

On top of which it “working out” would be the old paradigm of relationship…. which we are definitely not participating in! Gone are the days where we are solely focused on getting and keeping a relationship no matter the cost. We are all being called to use relationships of all types as our playground for personal and spiritual growth – not as evidence of our worth or proof of where we’ve been. 

No matter how long or in what form it continues this union has already been successful because we achieved what we intended to – deep connection, honoring of one another, and profound healing that each of us will carry forward with us wherever we go.

 

There you have it. I’ve been holding out on you……. and today that ends!

 

In gratitude for the privilege of sharing the journey with YOU!

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